Parenting Adult Kids

[kj36928]

My girls are in their 20s, with the oldest turning 25 next year. They're working adult jobs, dating, traveling etc. I'm trying to build an adult connection with them rather than looking at them as kids so they feel empowered and independent. Any advice on how to transform the the relationship and make it stronger?

[EchoJ]

I am a twenty something and I can tell you, the relationship with my dad and I has grown stronger with the recent years. He always continues to support and teach me even though I am an independent individual. Never fail to tell your sweet kids that they mean the world to you. A hurried life can cause distance, however remaining a constant variable in their life will reassure them to always lean back whenever times are tough. Don’t be afraid of the quiet when life gets busy. Your kids will never forget who/what they came from. Best of luck and take care!💕

[kj36928]

So glad to hear your relationship with your dad is strengthening @EchoJ. I agree, sometimes its good to embrace the quiet. I know they're great and they make me proud every day. Thank you!

[sotoalyssalol]

I hold I close relationship with my mother who’s 25 years older than me. I’ve come to appreciate her insight into not only her experiences in life but what influence she still has on me as an adult . It’s extremely important in me and my moms relationship that we have constant communication. She makes herself available with verbal reminders that she is there to hear me out on any topics and that questions I have she can only answer though her experience on the topic. As children we expect our parents to have the answers to everything, but as adults understanding that my mother can just be available to me is better than seeking out an answer to my issues . I’d suggest just openly reminding your children that you are there for them, reminding them that they are adults and that you are, yes their mom, but an adult with them trying to grow with them.

[kj36928]

I've been trying to be more patient with them and give them the space to "try life out". I'm glad to hear that you're giving your mom grace as well. Great advice, thank you @sotoalyssalol 

[sotoalyssalol]

Even when I wanted to “try life out” I always seeked my mothers approval in what I am meant to do and what standards I’m supposed to have in the “adult world” for myself . Offering what you did for yourself or what you wished was something you would have asked your own guardian/mother may help as well for your daughters to seek your guidance still as adults . Wishing you and your family the best !

[Flaxenweed72]

I am navigating this transition as well, so found the replies to your post helpful/informative - thank you all!

My children are now 22 and 19. As part of my transition to this new phase, I have been making an effort to send quick texts or photos here/there to let them know I’m thinking of them. And when we talk I really try (and it takes effort for me) to pose open ended questions and then just pause and really listen to their responses. I’m also working on getting out of ‘problem solver mode’ unless they specifically ask for my advice/engagement that way. I have also started outright asking - especially my younger one who is away at college - what type of support they want/need from me. These feel like big shifts to me, but I think are being well received. I suppose time (and practice) will tell! 

[Jojo3]

This is great stuff!!  I too am trying to back off while still hovering!!!  It's very hard to let them grow up, but I love seeing how are turning into self-sufficient adults!!!  I think you are doing the right things!!!!

[Karen_C]

I love doing small day trips or overnight adventures.  If they are into fitness, sign up for an even to do together.  Take an art class.  We love to have our own mini book club.  

[Crankin]

This might be a slightly contrary response, but when you concentrate on yourself and your own life, your relationship with adult children evolves naturally. You are asking good questions and being thoughtful in keeping the lines of communication open, without being a nag. But, it's a parent's job to make their kids into independent humans and that starts long before they leave home. I am very close to both my sons (38 and 40), even with distance, but that started long before adulthood, when both myself and my husband made it clear they could tell us anything, even if we got mad about it! And, lest someone says "it's different with girls," I can assure you, it is not. I always felt my job was to make sure their future spouses never said, "What's wrong with your mother, didn't she teach you???" And now we can see the fruits of it all. They are fabulous fathers and husbands. We still have special times, they ask for advice a lot, but frankly, I was relieved when they were on their way.